god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
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How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
There are usually two types of merchants.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.