[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
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Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me: