I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
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Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit