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5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
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I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Labreador
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed