Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
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One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.