babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
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The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….