Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
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I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My last name is Zilla.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.