The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
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Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Twitter is an abusement park.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number