Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
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Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day