“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
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My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.