Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
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If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds