Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
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[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
The news
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.