Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
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Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
When they try to steal your moment.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?