Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
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It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
A new level of troll.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
🐕🍷
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us