There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
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“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
The cake is mightier than the sword.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
🙂🐾
Bro what is this
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back: