I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
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I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
LOOOOOOL
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Who.
Did.
This?
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.