911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
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My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
my sentiments exactly
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.