If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
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I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
…u ok Nintendo?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
what the
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”