therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
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[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
How times have changed.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time