insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
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Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
@ candidates for local office
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.