It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
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Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Bootstraps
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?