Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
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Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Dune (2021)
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’