coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
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[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.