ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
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[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
*ernest hemingway voice*
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.