I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
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I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”