Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
why am I working on Labor Day
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?