The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
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Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Same pineapple, same
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Alexa, make me look good naked.