Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
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I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.