[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
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A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Breaking news:
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Netflix and you sit over there.