*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
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drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.