*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
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I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him