Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
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Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.