Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
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[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.