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“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????