Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
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Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
can’t bark with your mouth full
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no