*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
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Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
My dress code is business-casualty.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”