me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
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The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god