There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
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To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
This pepper has seen some shit
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Who called it baking and not making love
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?