some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
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*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.