Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
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One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
The asteroid..
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.