Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
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Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
an octopus is just a wet spider
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
me 2 months after i graduated
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”