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gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”