The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
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Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
This is hilarious….
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank