If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
You Might Also Like
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
sleeping beauty
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]