Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
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My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health