Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
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Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
notice
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on