7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
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Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Not all heroes wear capes.