I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
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Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Think I pulled my liver
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.