My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
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Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
same bro
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Me trying to walk in a dream
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Put the is in disheveled
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Bill is short for Billiam
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby