Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
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Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I have obtained a hat
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.